我是坏人

这不再是那种"只怪那一刻话说得太重，所有的情节都失控"的情形了.... 一切都不再相同，执着下去还有什么用? 拖拖拖究竟能拖到什么时候? 故事终究要有个结束，我骗不了你，更骗不了我自己，就当我是自私的... 让我狠狠的做一次真正的坏人吧。

the news... mayb is nothing to you, but its something to me.
its only till im hyped up, that im willing to type sth out.

坏人

"容忍的人其实并不笨，只是宁可对自己残忍。 我是好人，也是个坏人。分得够狠你才有借口转身。。。宁愿爱一点不剩，也不忍看恋人爱成路人。"

在爱情的世界里，你想当一个坦白的坏人还是放手的好人? 当我们的爱情变得面目全非的时候，如果使坏能让事情变得圆满，我愿做个坏人。。。。 吗? 原來假裝壞人就等於是好人因為不想看到彼此如此傷心度过，只好狠下心要求分開。原本是如此親密的愛人，一下子必需變成陌生人。。。要很不習慣用禮貌性的稱呼對方的名字而不再是曾經親密的匿稱。面對分離不簡單，寧願完全的忘了對方，忘了回忆。。。这样的话，也許再碰面時就可以很輕鬆的面對。

something must have gotten a hold of me, else i doubt i will be saying what i was saying. maybe im just simply tired.. or maybe i had enough of all those moronic actions... maybe i had enough of all those dead words.. maybe maybe.. i just couldnt stop guessing what the hell i was thinking. i tried to be cool and put those words so blunt with a straight face i thought i wouldnt feel a twinge.. i must be out of my mind, and now i feel the prick. tell me what all these prove.

counting down to the opening of an unforeseen brand new chapter....
final 3.5hours to go.

会难过，不知该说什么好。
i wonder if this is gonna do me any good at all.

hello, wind

the wind was blowing from the west today and therefore...

MR. HALLOWEEN is here again...

that was last year...
so whats up this year?

we have FLOSSY to celeb the day tog with us,
so HAPPY HALLOWEEN :8

视线都模糊了，就连透着窗外看夜晚的风景也让我的头开始有点晕。。。

闷闷闷

今天终于看了《狱中豪杰》这部电影。就像他们所说的一样，戏真的是还不赖。。。是个好笑又温馨的一部喜剧片。原来被关在监狱里也可以过得这么愉快。整个戏院都爆满了，只剩下最前排的那些空位。。。幸好我们有机会在电影播出前先偷换个位置，要不然真的要撑完整整一个半小时，脖子不酸才怪吧~ 但不知为什么，今天心里超不舒服，超闷，怪怪的。。。 开心不起来就对了。 回家也错不回家也错，上网也不知道该做什么好，不想这么早睡。。。就算现在让我闭着双眼躺在沙发上应该也会睡不着吧。。。再加上刚想到将要来临的那些考卷，心里更郁闷的。这次不知道又要等到考试当天的前几个小时才会怕到开始猛读。。。不知所措，最终还是选择在这个小小的博客帖子发牢骚。疯了~~~ 我觉得老天真的不再理我了。

*肥罗斯刚添了我的小指头又咬了我一下。。。哼~ 珍玲跟我说: "咬就等于爱嘛。。。 它还没咬过我!"

one minute of silence

i must admit that im deeply affected by the headline news today. this early morning itself i received an sms from bi which construed "Good bye MOS! ):" thought it was just a random crack... so i was told to check out yahoonews and damn damn damn......... tell me this is not happening! late last year itself rumours of MOS closing down have started brewing but it was proven to be fake... and just two hours back i read this news saying that "Lifebrandz Limited, which brought the popular club to Singapore in 2005, announced in a statement that it was ceasing MOS’ operations from October 6." so this is fcking happening for real!!!!!! refer to yahoonews for a more detailed info.

from being totally indifferent towards MOS to being so attached to MOS we used to patronize it at least twice a week without fail.. it has brought me countless tears and laughters and memorable moments i still treasure til now. guess things are simply moving towards the same route as i am dealing with things now. things are constantly changing, i take it as a blinking indication we should put the past behind and open a new era... i still love MOS and its SMOOVE no matter what! come back soon!!

flossydar

been spending a lil more time with flossy recently but have yet to bathe her at all cos im afraid that she wouldnt b as furry as she is now. id love to have her slp next to me once shes had her litter training and her nails all trimmed and nice cos i dont wanna wake up in the morn with scratches all over my face cos ive alr had enuf all over my arms thanks to flossys dracula nails. im glad shes adapting to the hs and she alr knows where her lil home is. shes getting more and more attention and love frm all of us each day i hope shell b w us for a long long time. she brings smiles to my face (: anw i finally got introduced to fluffy, sissy and yiyi formally tonite. little that i imagined that id love bein ard em.. i liked sissy the most but i was told that i might put flossys life at risk by bringin her hm... so we brought fluffy(the supposedly more rabbit-friendly dog) back hm today for a short hs visit instead and flossy got terribly scared upon seeing her even tho she was inside her cage. i love dogs as a fact that they can apprehend humans better and can respond to commands faster but i agree that taking care of their needs will b more of a hassle as theyd need much attention that i might not b able to provide em with esp in the near future. theres stil so so much id need to learn first before i can decide on gettin one so i guess... flossy and the future 'porky' should make do for now :)

thats fluffy...

and this is babyflossy.. still havin 'fluffyphobia' <3

三个字

我不屑!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

这生命过得也够辛苦的，不但要做个好女儿，好孙女，好妹妹，好姐姐，好朋友，好学生，好主人，好女友，好老婆，好妈妈 还要做个好人。。。 其实说到底，如他们其中一个对另一方有任何冲突而我只有一道选择的话，我宁愿对谁好呢?

baby flossy

introducing my new baby; pork floss aka flossy (:

be good ooo^^

明天要去探望兔宝宝了。。。 等不及要快点把它带回家。 有多个宝宝在家里陪我也是好的，总算多了个理由让我早点回家。

是弱者还是个失败者我已分不清楚，只知 道这一喝下去我一定会醉。厌倦了，也不想再回到那些消耗酒精来逃避问题的日子了。可是比起今晚失眠却无心无力去做任何事而胡思乱想来得好吧。以为痛都痛过了，累都累坏了，心都麻了就什么都抛下了。原来我错了。。。我还在原地踏步。

มีอีกคำอยู่ข้างใน อยากให้เธอได้ยินว่าฉันรัก... เธอ...

all the very best! (:

the reality show today = recollections of 5 years back. hope ur fine now :D

expired draft.

shouldnt have 'webbed tonight.

i know that ppl do go through changes but this just makes no damn sense to time. it takes one to impede this delay&retain process so if u havent sensed how determined i am this time round, yes im tellin you now... its rr final and that explained why i havent been answering and replying at all. ive said it all, even more than what ive expected myself to deliver to you. a quarter through the process and dun wish to reset everything to its rough initial.. so lets talk only when we both can see this as a totally platonic friendship.

P.S: THIS ENTRY IS JUST AN EXPIRED DRAFT. a scroll and found business

i hope that
..i can start reading up today and
catch my sleep now cos sappy and corny love songs good songs should put me to sleep.

>>> listening to: jesse powell's

this is so irksome.
give my mind a break.

its almost 9.. and im still all active and energetic from the strenuous evening of walking. i think i can forget about slpin today.

s t r a n g e

random in aug

tracks running on my playlist for e week:

1) 911 - the day we find love

2) allure - last chance

3) azn dreamers - when you put your lips to mine
4) frankie j - gone
5) keith martin - i'll light the candle
6) leona lewis - better in time
7) leona lewis - yesterday

8) mariah carey - i stay in love
9) michael w smith - you are the love of my life
10) nick lachey - open your eyes

11) pinay - next time
12) rihanna - take a bow
13) the jonas bros - when you look me in the eyes

its just weird when all these songs seem to take control of my head and my emotional stability. its like these few verse alone could speak a thousand words...

currently playing:
air supply - goodbye.

moments im impressed of:



check out the slideshows of these 2 couples. kevin&ashley . william&clara.
hmm.

whats coming up:
biz law & principles of marketing and productions management papers next week !!



what im thinking of:
(the 202+hrs, the 44... ) when im gonna start reading up and...

what i wanna watch:
the moment of truth.

what im going to do next:
kick him once and get to slp before he starts snoozing agn.

and to think im supposed to be all focused at this hr, rushing through my assignment thats due barely less than 6hrs later (darl ure gonna nag at me if you read this) but this whole things been weighing on my mind half of the day and the stupid incident this evening made me so restless and unmotivated.

p.s: i speak to you more than i speak to anyone else. and youre always the first and the safest place i turn to and confide in because you listen to me, and dont question. dear blog, yes you.

tues' bad cold

how i wished that things could happen so differently and what happened yesterday were all just a nightmare cos i never felt so agitated, twinged and strained at the same time, just like a knife stabbing through my heart. but at the same time, i never felt any better cos ive let all my pending emotions and feelings surfaced for once cos you drove me to my desperation. dint know that im capable of this too cos this is the first time, and the last time i will be doing it i reckon. shouting and crying my eyes out like a crazy person that has lost her mind, as if grieving over a death, it was really hurting then and i had the urge to drink.. but not long after, the tears dried up.. and i hate it because each bad cry rewards me with a very bad cold. and now i realized that ever since i survived the long days of alcohol-cessation, i can no longer be as crazy as i was in the past. maybe in the first place, it wasnt even an addiction. it was just a die-hard-to-kick habit and a reliant when i wanna be alone. or mayb... its all because i understood that the hurt is finally over. so if i were to cry now, thats probably because everythings finally over and im back in my own world. and the last 3 words im gonna say is... "ITS THE END". cant afford to be so down and fragile because of you anymore. if theres one thing i would regret, that is bcos we let our words bring us down. but this only proves how frail the bond between us is. so id just take it as weve failed the test cos ive sorted out all my thinkings and had my final say ytd. and this shouldnt matter to me anymore. its been a long windy road and it aint easy to say let go then let go, but the dragging should end here. life still has to go on, no matter how hard it gets and yesterday's dispute has given me the courage and determination to move on... id treat yesterdays experience as having a very bad cold and its a speedy recovery. while there are going to be difficult times ahead, the very worst is over. i was trembling just then when i received my exam results slip thinking that im in a real deep shit because i know that i havent been putting enough effort into revising my work. and hell im really overjoyed because i managed to pass the modules, even tho the results wasnt exactly satisfactory, including the 2 that i know im bound to fail. i knw that God's giving me a chance, and *its time to help myself now...

*still lazy

'urban span.

"just when it feels ure on a dead end road, theres always somewhere left to turn so dont give up now. ure so close to a brand new day"

and i want it to be over, i so want it to be through... and just when i thought i was done, you pull me in for another run. cant take this, wont take this, cant do this, wont do this... SO... fuck am gettin on with this life and fuck you anyway. ^^

shes never been the kind that ever let her feelings show and she thought that being strong meant never losing her self-control, that she could be sober enough to let go of her pain. to hell with her pride, let it fall like rain... its only a three a.m saturday night, the nights still young, the lights left on, and shes been lying on bed since two thirty with those songs blasted in her ears.. kicks off the covers and recalls about all the stupid happenings that seem to be just a dream and she typed em out. shes living in a world that wont stop pulling a trick on her.. cos one yesterday, everything was easy and shes living life like theres no tomorrow. and now the memories still remind her of how good things used to be, yesterday. and just the same old yesterday, she made a promise to herself that she never gonna be this way cos the only thing that she has ever known is to run.. that she kept on running faster and faster... but now, for the ?th of never, no more 'whatever'....... for the last time, shes gonna break the chain that binds her so shell finally be free. so please go fly. fly into the moon, fly as far as you can cos its a final goodbye i hope.

cherish (I)

why does it always require a tragedy to take place before we urge ourselves to sober up and decide that its Really time to cherish e ppl ard us? we told ourselves time and time again that the past tragedy Should Be a lesson to be learnt and yet months gone by... and we're still the same old us, the selfish, ignorant, ungrateful, unconcerned, pampered and yet the unappreciative ones. id stay in bed and sleep through the day if those thoughts could go away. but reminders are everywhere.... and they haunt my mind... even when the night's still young. ive got lots of questions inside my mind i wonder who could ever enlighten me. this life's so unpredictable... and perhaps life's simply a FCUK. and the moment i read and perceived the text.. my mind went completely blank but im not sure why i just got the urge to hug you mum and tell you ilu. im all shaky at the thought of whats bound to come next.. dont want and cant afford to lose anyone of u so please take extra good care of yourselves cos if it was for anyone dearer to me, i'd really really lose my mind.............

and for now.......
NOW WHAT??!

july chapter

一个故事的开始如果注定是悲剧，你还会演下去吗？难道真的只有痛才能证明爱的存在吗？那爱情到底是什么呢？不為了要什麼 所以才給什麼。想说的太多一开口全都忘了。。。

today was pretty okay, i laughed and talked a lot. even if it was awkward for me whos always drunk and wandering about. i cry like a fool and tell myself i wun surrender, i swear and swear again... laughing and crying like a crazy person, i used to drink so much that i'll go crazy cos i know that alcohol puts me to bed. i cant think, think about those crazy days...... even when i had a lot of time to think. but now i figured out that in order for one to not lose anything, one must not believe anything. even tho the occurrence that took place the past few days may be a lil unpleasant, im glad that things seemed to be moving towards the right track.. been contemplating the pieces of advice i acquired from em and they actually turned out to be rather helpful in this recovery system, even the book deserved credits in this process. cos they say that even if i live, its not living. they say that even if i laugh,
its not laughing. they say i look shabby and it looks more like im crying while crying has become a bothersome for me now. but now is the new beginning, the tears (have dried) will dry and the sighs (have been) will be thrown away, i will wait for tomorrow cos its my time and soon i'll learn how to forget how to cry. and after i pass this troubled state, everything will be back to normal. im trying to let go of whats making me weary. i wanna be insane to not even feel it in my heart so dont take it out again... whatever will be, will be...

心冷是什么?
情是什么?
你是什么?

我不要再想了

我们都要告别过去，才能走向美好的未来。幸福起点，从新开始。向過去道别，跟未來說早安。明天的笑脸，幸福的起点。 (:

anw i went to check out this 'resort' wher *next week's bbq event is supposed to be held at .. and im pretty pleased with the place. hopefully im stil in time to get hold of it as all the other chalets and resorts are already fully-booked due to time constraint. and this is the last option....

u guys were probably wondering where this is... so i'd disclose the place when if everythings confirmed. (:

yesterday

im beginning to curse this life. drained by these tears, fearful of this melody. broke down upon hearing that song and i fcking hate u for playing it cos the lyrics hit me so hard u knw it. so random, i was totally unprepared. im still askin myself if i regretted coming down that day and i loathe lookin at my reflection when im down cos my addiction reminds me that my soul's been twisted, torn, beat and encaged. i made things v clear that nite so dun ever ask me again cos i knw that i wun be able to hold back my emotions. im not calling for a second chance, im screaming at the top of my lungs.. never knew i would feel this pain that i dint even realized that i texted u before the sun rises telling u how miserable i felt Then that i dint wanna stay. the feeling's so unbearable its just too much for me to take.. so this is what they meant by living a hell. never intend to cry out how i felt but i guess.. i blurted it all Then. im frustrated by this life.. dont wanna live this way anymore. im a disappointment i knw and i hate myself for that too. help me make this make sense cos my brain's damaged... and even if i tucked myself into bed early i still couldnt get my sleep. and now i think... its just about ENOUGH. sorry for all the nutty things i did and for driving u guys out of e room when i was boozy that nite. the whole scene n even the lame scraps actually makes me realize that im lucky to have u guys ard. i knw i got completely crazy my senses' numbed i cant even feel the pain from all the blueblacks anymore. i guess i was tryin to clear some mental space. its a lil awkward that i keep saying that "it's nothing" when my heart's filled with stones but... even if i try to explain my feelings, the only true way to understand em would be to become me and feel em. so how do i fix this mess in my life? tell me pls cos everythin i do just doesnt seem right anymore. this is really killing me... uknw...

dear blog i only have the courage to turn to you

undergoing a 3-days alcohol-cessation.
one last day to go.

blues.

will the songs chase the pain away

for once i wished that these partial memory loss i suffer for those few hrs could be a permanent one cos im REALLY getting weary of facing life's trials .. dont wanna be reminded, dont wanna deal with anything, dont wanna think about anything, dont wanna care about anything.. thought i could be selfish enuf to shove everythin aside and redeem myself but why am i feeling this lousy... even the beers wouldnt spare me the agony. tried to stay away from it but agn and agn i let it take control of my head. know that im doomed since school's reopening and im definitely not in the least mood to lay my hands on the books. overindulging in alcohol, can they do drugs or better still, numb my senses for nuts. allergic to myself and getting sick of myself.. like a good girl gone bad. thought that beer could be my slpin pill, obtaining me a gdnite's slp n help me sleep thru the day but recently these hibernations' been unpleasant and i simply cant get back to sleep. gr i think im insane, nuts and everything that a loony could be.

past tense.

;numb-ED.

really dont wanna deal with this... cooping myself in this lil chamber, im gonna start turning in earlier to keep my mind off things, till i finally get over this. i hope time's gonna be the best remedy and itll all get better in time.

you were the closest someone i ever had, the best gift ive ever received and im thankful for that.

my bambino.

"shes only busy with her own stuffs as if im here everyday", he whimpered. and so he grabbed my hand, huge enough to hide his crying face. i heard him sigh and cry in his sleep tonight.

nothing seems to get into my head. im gg nuts...

aimless

stoning with the book lying open on my bed, i just wanna close my eyes and get thru this day cos i woke up this noon feeling totally restless with this unsettled state of mind not knowing the exact reason why. too many questions racing thru my mind while nothing on the book gets to my brain. not in the mood to read. not in the mood to study. hate this.

walk outta it

i wish...
that im stronger than a piece of ¢.
that im more than just a piece of ¢.

cos

im tired of playing this game.
and sick of re-living the pasts.
i hope the cars on the road werent too loud and you care enough to listen to all the things ive said word by word.
ive walked away so dont come back cos all youll hear from me is most probably "leave".

not hanging on

confused with the tears,
i tie this dreadful knot and prepare myself for death.
cant stand this anymore.

i hang till this rope rots ........................................

just this once, pls dont question me why.
cos aft this hangover, im gonna cast EVERYTHINGGGGGGG this damn thing aside.

cp.

想笑着附和说分开是好的 。我舍不得可是时间回不去了。爱你很值得 只是该停了。我们错过的 错了就错了。

we both know that all these would eventually have to end someday.

and that 'someday'... was yesterday.

tee cham bpai laew gor yang mai laew gan bpai tee gor faa yang faa yoo din gor doo mai bpen-rai

youre the best thing that ever happened to me.

105D。

the thin line between 'SHOULD I' and 'SHOULD I NOT'.
it needs extra courage and determination to allow our my intention become a decision.

;taxed ;drained

cant deny the fact that i aint that strong cos a peek at those messages still leaves me teary.
perhaps its time to change the tone of my calls.

no matter how hard i try not to, even if i get sick on lager and fall asleep, in the end i think about us again. even if i leaned into another person’s embrace, even if i do that, when i open my eyes in the morning i’m so alarmed seeing the phone, remembering that i might have called you while i was drunk last night.

if i were to ask myself one last question, it'd be that "Why does everyone else understand me but not you?".

;
厌倦了伤心流泪 ，有时候只是想让自己勇敢一点。太犹豫不绝总是折磨的起点 。如此放下是想让彼此都好过一些。或许离开才懂得相处。放手了并不代表我以不在乎而只想给彼此更好的选择让自己比较快乐一点。 过去的快乐满足和曾经付出过的一切一切我都会永远记在心里。

letting go isnt as easy as it seems.

love is in the air...

66D rain & shine.

a step-up to sharing life, side by side and day by day.

happy valentines day to all (:

walk out?

when an intention of walking out once and for all strikes your mind for once...
when to work it out and when to walk away.

what mood

not in the mood to blog, at all.

cos everything's not in my favour.
why is it that everytime i get too much hope, things ended up not working in my favor?
this is perhaps one of the hardest period of time i'll have to face this year.
mad or insane, bang my head. what the hell was i thinking??????????

and from whats happening, i know im at the losing end.
am i really preparing to lose everything or am i already losing everything?
seriously what does this life gonna mean to me now.. ya?
do i really deserve all these?

i cant seem to be concentrating on anything.........

give me one tight slap

whatever that has happened this day...
how long is this phobia gonna stay with me for?

i guess im really outta my mind.

this gonna be the worst nightmare thats gonna haunt me every single day.
dont ask me what has happened and just stand by me alright...

mid jan blues

i started off this year with a quarter-full inbox in my cell that i grasp tight on my hand and its now the 3rd week of 2008... i hope the rain's gonna wash away all the bad things real soon.

to those people who've always been there for me be it morally, emotionally or physically, who's always showering me with unconditional love and concern... i may not have expressed it but i really do appreciate em, esp those who are still there for me despite the nuisance i may have been whenever im boozed up.

"sen, i think you'll feel dehydrated so drink more water. anyway, just 2 cents of my worth.. it's normal for people to turn to alcohol to drown their sorrows. u did and i did too. alcohol numb the senses but it doesnt solve the problem. i may not know the reason why you're sad. perhaps ------ is a part of it. but no matter what the reason is, there have to be a time for you to stand up again. the faster, the better. only you can help yourself, no matter what the problem is. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ i may not be the best person for you to talk to neither am i a good listener, but if you ever need anyone to talk to, you can find me ya. and you dont ever need to feel ashamed in front of me, -- or even ----. we also have our own weaknesses and perhaps we have even embarassed ourselves worse before."

i may not be good at words and lets my pride get in the way at all times but deep within me theres more to what i wish to express. i really need this generous acceptation n understanding. sometimes i may not say a thing because im far TOO capable of holding back my words and stuff but deep within me i know that im worrying and questioning myself a little too much, it makes my head and heart aches.. but on the other hand, it'd only prove myself something... that is, i do care...

a brand new chapter of our lives is about to unfold... lets keep this year a smiley one alright. (:
lets do less drinks and give ourselves one lesser excuse to be tipsy about. we cant be drinking our moonlights away

happy 2008!

without realizing, xmas has passed and a brand new year 2008 is here.. i used to whine alot about how unfairly 2007 has been treating me but truth to be told, ive earned many many sweet memories and great companions throughout the year as well.

just a mini recollection of some of the gloomy days that i went through in the yr2007:
-that particular month that i have the urge to drink because of someone in the early part of the year.
-the sudden rough patch our family have to go through in sept and the nightmares i have to bear with within this period of time was tormenting but glad that im recovering really fast.
-the few days of 'quarantine' period and the little 'accusation' i have to put up with in early dec.
-and now, my school stuffs that ive yet to settle. (hopefully i'll see a silver lightning really soon)

i've lost many good things in between but i believe that i've gained better ones instead. to give it a fair credit, the good to bad was a ratio of 60:40. maybe i should stop complaining and accept the fact that this is life... things happened, with or without our intention of accepting it and i can only hope that 2008 will be a better year. whatever thats happened, its all in the heart. some things are yet to be solved but nevertheless, a happy new year to all of us! a new beginning, lets spread the love.. (:

*talking about it, my left eye's been twitching non-stop since just now. is it a bad sign or am i thinking too much?